What Were They Thinking?! Why Kids Do Dumb Things

 

Believe it or not, your kids actually have some really good excuses for all the stupid stuff they do...better than most parents even realize.  Think back to your younger years (for some of us its harder than for others) and I'm sure you can recall some experience where you did something really, really dumb, got yourself caught, and were asked the question for which no teenager has ever given a good answer: What were you thinking?! 

Did you not realize someone would be upset when you broke out all the windows on the church van down the street?  Did it not occur to you that throwing a bunch of glass bottles into the road to watch them explode might cause a police response?  Sneaking out in the middle of the night with some freakishly strange friends?  "Borrowing" a car before getting a license?  Throwing stuff on bonfires to see what would happen?  What were we thinking?!

The reality is, when you told your parents, your guidance counselor, your church leader, or the police officer the only thing you could tell them ("I don't know what I was thinking"), you were actually telling them the truth.  I can remember clearly the feeling that went along with that answer; I was frustrated with whatever adult had busted me because they couldn't seem to accept that I really didn't know what I had been thinking, and I was frustrated with myself because it seemed so clear that I really should have thought something before setting that fire (or driving that fast, or throwing that sharp metal object, or hitchhiking across Mexico)...but I really hadn't thought about the consequences at all.  Not at all.

Years later, as a graduate student, I finally discovered why that had been the case.  It won't surprise anybody reading this that human babies are not born with fully developed brains; it takes months before babies can do anything for themselves and years before they even start acting like a real person.  The development of the brain during this time holds the reason for adolescent idiocy and the key to understanding what our kids are (or are not) thinking...and that understanding can be very helpful when you're trying to control your temper and avoid that awkward visit from CPS.

As the brain continues to develop after birth, it follows a path that generally grows from the back of the head, up, and forward.  Breathing, heart rate, and swallowing are some of the basic brain functions that are present at birth, and they are centered in the brain stem (the lower back part of the brain).  As the child grows, the brain develops up and forward; improved motor control, understanding language, and being able to speak a language all develop over time (in that order) as the brain continues to develop over time. 

So, the front part of the brain is the last area of the brain to reach maximum efficiency and do the job it was designed to do.  What is that job?  Process complex information and determine cause and effect relationships (among other things).  In other words, the last part of the brain to develop is the part that helps us understand consequences.  And here's the kicker: it doesn't fully develop until the mid twenties!  You did not have a fully functioning brain until well past the point you thought you were an adult!

Here's an interesting fact: most people consider adulthood to begin at 18 years.  Why?  Because that's what the government says (for whatever reason).  But consider some private businesses that can make or lose money based upon who they trust to do business with.  I had a big surprise when I got married at 23 years old and tried to rent a car.  I had been a legal adult for years and had a driver's license even longer; imagine my frustration when I found out they wouldn't rent to me because I was too young!  I haven't researched this exhaustively, but I'm not aware of any car rental company that will rent to anyone younger than 25.  Isn't it interesting that many different companies have figured out that people younger than 25 tend to make bad decisions that end up costing them money?  Makes me question why we let 16-year-olds drive, 18-year-olds vote, and 21-year-olds drink.

So what's the what in all this?  Two important points.  One, your 6-year-old, 14-year-old, and even your 17-year-old really don't know what they were thinking when they decided to do whatever ridiculous thing they did.  You can ask if you want, but you should know up front that you will never get an answer that makes any sense.  The adolescent brain has not yet developed the ability to consistently see cause and effect; that doesn't mean they can't do it at all, it just means they won't be able to do it as regularly as an adult.  After they've done what they've done, they'll be able to see all the reasons why they shouldn't have done whatever they did (they actually are not as stupid as their actions would suggest). But thinking they should have thought about those reasons before they did it is like expecting them to sprout wings and fly.  It's just not a rational thing to expect.

The second point: boundaries are vitally important for your kids.  Just because children don't have the ability to consistently see causes and effects does not mean they should be immune from the consequences of their actions.  When I talk to parents about how the human brain develops, they often (mistakenly) believe I want them to be more lenient and permissive.  It's actually the exact opposite!  Because your kids don't yet have the ability to consistently consider possible outcomes, you, as the adult, need to lay down clear and exact boundaries for appropriate behavior.  When those boundaries are crossed, there should be consequences that match the offense.  Consequences are the way your kids will actually learn how to think like an adult and develop the ability to consider what might happen as a result of their actions.

So what's the point of learning what the adolescent brain can and can't do if you should still bring down the hammer when your kids do dumb stuff?  The point is your own sanity.  Don't make the mistake of allowing yourself to get angry and frustrated when your kids make ridiculous choices...that's what kids do!  Recognize that your child is acting like a child, your teenager is acting like a teenager, and your young adult is acting like a young adult (remember, the brain doesn't reach its full capabilities until the mid twenties!).  There's no need to worry, get angry, or try to figure out what kind of therapy they need just because they are making incredibly bad choices without thinking about the consequences.  Again, that's what kids do!  As a parent, remember the times when you did similar stupid stuff, remember how it felt to not know why you did what you did, and then allow yourself to feel badly that you have to lower the boom so they can learn important life lessons.  In the end, it's actually much more tolerable to feel pity for your kids' growing pains than it is to feel angry and frustrated at their incomprehensible behavior!

Five Things You Need to Stop Saying… Unless You Like Being Unhappy

Photo by James Vaughan CC BY 2.0

Assuming you grew up surrounded by other people, you’ve unknowingly picked up a number of phrases and sayings that are causing all sorts of grief for you.  It's like a family of raccoons has made a nest in your attic and now they’re tearing up the insulation, chewing through wires, and generally making a mess of things.  All of this is happening right under your nose (actually, it’s happening right between your ears if we want to be functionally correct), without you even knowing it’s a problem.

Here’s a list of the 5 biggest offenders I’ve seen causing problems for people… 

1.      “I just couldn’t handle it if…”  This particular nasty phrase is unique to each person who utters it (each person has something different they “can’t handle”), but the impact is the same for everybody: you’re left feeling weak, incapable, and scared of whatever the “thing” might be.  And that’s not the worst part of it!  Far worse is that it doesn’t even make any sense!  What does it even mean that you “couldn’t handle it”?  Are you going to burst into flames if it happens?  Will you poof out of existence?  Will your reason for death be listed as “Inability to Handle It”?

The reality is that there is nothing you “can’t handle” because there’s no other option.  No matter what happens, you will wake up tomorrow and will go through the day.  Yes, the day following some tragic event will be a particularly unpleasant day (you may not even make it out of bed!)…but one thing’s for certain: you will handle it. Saying otherwise does nothing but cause unnecessary worry and anxiety.  An alternative statement could be: “I really don’t want (insert bad thing here) to happen, but if it does, I’ll deal with it the best I can.”

2.      “He/She/They think I’m…”  Unless you’ve been bitten by a radioactive spider, were born on a planet with a different colored sun, or have been exposed to some mutation-causing substance, you do not have the ability to know what other people are thinking.  You may think you know this fact already ("Of course I can't read people's minds!"), but go ahead and spend some time listening to your own thoughts: you’ll be surprised how often you truly believe you know what’s going on in the head of another person. 

The reality is that we will never know what another person is thinking or why they are doing what they are doing (i.e. their motives).  Even if they tell you what they think about you in no uncertain terms, you still can't possibly know what they think of you.  You only know what they told you they think of you.  How many times have you done something in your life without fully understanding the reasons?  If you don’t even know why you do what you do, how can you possible believe you understand other people's motivations?  An  alternative statement could be: “It seems like he/she/they think (insert something here).  Too bad I don’t have any mindreading superpowers to help me know for sure!”

3.      “I’m/She’s/He’s so (insert adjective here)”.  Let’s just lay this out up front: there is no label you can apply to any human being and have it be accurate.  People can do smart things and they can do stupid things.  People can look beautiful and they can look dreadful.  People can do good things and they can do evil things.  That being said, a person cannot be smart, beautiful, or good.  Conversely, people cannot be stupid, dreadful, or evil.  That doesn’t mean people don’t do all sorts of good and bad things, there's simply a big difference between doing and being.  Of course, some may claim that by doing good or bad things people become good or bad...if that's the case, what's the percentage that marks the difference?  Does 51% good make me a good person?  If I'm at 50.9% can I round up and be considered good?  If not, can I do just one more good thing to push me over the 51% line?  You can see the problem.

In reality, labels do not work for people because humans are so frustratingly inconsistent.  We all do good and we all do bad.  Sometimes we're smart and sometimes we're complete boneheads.  By mistakenly assigning labels to people instead of the things people do, we end up feeling unpleasant emotions toward those people; as a result, hard feelings develop, relationships are damaged, and we make ourselves more miserable than we need to be.  An  alternative statement could be:  "That sure was a stupid thing he just did...he's lucky no one is defined by just one action."

4.      “I knew this would happen" OR "This is going to be…”.  Again, if there are no radio-active spiders, alien planets, or mutations in your past, you cannot see the future.  There is no way you can ever know how anything will turn out.  You can know percentages, likelihoods, and chances, but you do not know anything about the future.

Of all the bad ways of thinking, this may be the most acceptable to the most people.  I often hear people claim that expecting a bad outcome leads to better feelings if things really do turn out badly or, if there is a surprise positive outcome, unexpected good feelings.  Unfortunately, that's just dumb.  "Oh man, my dog died...good thing I expected something bad was going to happen today otherwise I'd be really upset right now!"  Some really cool research (If the fact that I think research can be "really cool" makes you think I'm a total dork, you need to read #3 again.) actually proved that people will be upset when bad things happen and excited when good things happen without any influence from their expectations.  What does that mean?  You are going to be disappointed when bad things happen and excited when good things happen...and there's no stopping it.  All the time you spend expecting a bad outcome does nothing but let you feel the bad feelings sooner.  An  alternative statement could be: "This might be a really lousy day...only one way to find out!"

5.      “Should”.  I saved the best for last.  You use this word countless times per day in numerous situations...can you define it?  I've asked hundreds of people that question over the years and I've never once received an accurate definition.  The word "should" is defined as, "Simple past tense of shall" (dictionary.com).  "Should" is nothing more than the past tense of a word that refers to something that is expected or commanded.  Can you explain to me how something can be expected or commanded in the past?  "I should have done better!"  Well, that's good to know...but you didn't.  "You should have taken the trash out!"  Um, okay, but I didn't.  The word "should" really has no meaning...it references something that could have been, but wasn't.  When we use it, we trap ourselves in a world that never existed while we ignore the reality that, at some point, we need to deal with.

And that's just when we use the word properly!  We more often use the word to indicate what ought to happen in the future (e.g. "you should quit that job!").  Really?  "Should" is based on "shall" (which is a command) and we go around dropping it left and right as if we have the power and authority to dictate the way the universe ought to line up.  No wonder we're all so frustrated all the time, we're operating with the delusional belief that we have the ability to decree the way things ought to be...and then we have to deal with the emotional fallout when we discover (gasp!) the universe does not actually respond to our commands!  Can we all agree we would be better off deleting the word "should" from our vocabulary and instead saying what we really mean?  Try this instead of the "s" word: "I would prefer if things happen this way, but I recognize I don't always get what I want."

Congratulations, You're a Weirdo!

Photo by James Vaughan CC BY 2.0

“Is that normal?” is easily the most common question I get asked from clients and non-clients alike.  At one time or another, we've all been the one who didn't fit in and we remember how miserable that feels.  As a result, most of us go through life comparing our thoughts and behaviors to those around us because (1) we’re generally social creatures who want to fit in and (2) we’re scared we’re one crack away from a full-blown meltdown.  (As a good psychologist I should take this opportunity to explain how that tendency is actually an instinct that ensures we fit in with a larger group and increase our chances of survival...but, snore.)

Of course, this worry about whether or not we're weird makes perfect sense; none of us knows what anyone else is experiencing and there’s absolutely no way for us to know if those secret thoughts we harbor (but never share) are harmless passing fancies or the first indication of psychopathic darkness.  That’s some scary stuff to consider…and for most people there’s no good way to find out.  True, we could ask friends or other acquaintances, but what if by asking we’re actually letting people know just how scared of us they should be?  Remember the following exchange from the movie, Wayne’s World?

Garth:     Did you ever find Bugs Bunny attractive when he put on a dress and played a girl bunny?
Wayne: (Cracks up laughing) No!
Garth:  (Obviously embarrassed) Uh, neither did I.  I was just asking.

We’re all just like Garth and we’re clueless as to what’s normal and what’s freaky.  The only difference is that we usually err on the side of not asking the question…just in case.

Let me set your mind at ease.  Yes, you are normal – But maybe not the way you had hoped.

“Normal” is what psychologists deal with every day and it’s what led to the development of the career field.  Psychologists use psychological testing, which is based on statistics, to determine what most people think, feel, and experience.  If something is thought, felt, or experienced by the majority of people, then that thing is considered "normal".  If very few people think, feel, or experience something, then that thing is considered "abnormal".  There are concrete statistical terms that define explicitly at what point something transitions out of the realm of normal and into the deviant (in fact, a “standard deviation” is the actual statistical term…if you fall three standard deviations outside the norm, you are, by definition, “deviant”).  So, science has provided us a beautiful way to know for certain where we fall in relation to our friends and family.

Of course, nothing in the world of psychology is ever that simple...

Throughout my career I've administered countless IQ tests.  Most of these tests are designed so that the average (or normal) IQ is 100, with the total score being made up of several sub-scores.  Some sub-scores focus on knowledge and learning abilities while others look at how quickly and accurately a person can process information (among other things).  So, even if I had two people who both scored a completely "average" score of 100, each one would have different sub-scores that made up that IQ.  Perhaps the first scored an above-average 110 on verbal abilities but was a low-average 90 on performance abilities, while the second was the mirror opposite (90 verbal and 110 performance).  Each would have an average IQ, but neither would look anything like the other as far as intellectual abilities are concerned.  You can see how the word "average" can be frustratingly deceptive in meaning.

In many ways, "average" and "normal" are interchangeable words.  Our level of normalness, like our IQ, is made up of countless parts; there are a limitless number of personality traits, thoughts, or interests by which we could be compared to others.  Pick any one particular item and you may, or may not, be like the majority of other people.  That single thing, in and of itself, is not the determining factor of how normal we are.  Rather, the sum of all those countless parts is the only rational way we could possibly determine how normal we are.

With that in mind, the original question ("Is that normal?") takes on a whole new meaning.  Is it normal for Garth to find Bugs Bunny attractive?  I feel comfortable in assuming it's not.  Is it normal that I have always wanted to see what I would look like as a Muppet?  Again, it's probably safe to assume I'm in the minority on that one.  Does that make Garth and me freaky-deaky weirdos?  On those specific points, yes.  But what about when we take our entire selves and compare them to everybody else.  I've yet to meet a person who doesn't have a number of weird skeletons in the closet...that being the case, if I didn't have my curious fascination with Muppets, and if Garth wasn't fond of cartoon bunnies, we'd clearly be abnormal in our lack of having some weirdness. 

In short, you can relax, you're normal...precisely because you're such a weirdo in so many ways.