Believe it or not, your kids actually have some really
good excuses for all the stupid stuff they do...better than most parents even
realize. Think back to your younger
years (for some of us its harder than for others) and I'm sure you can recall
some experience where you did something really, really dumb, got yourself
caught, and were asked the question for which no teenager has ever given a good
answer: What were you thinking?!
Did you not realize someone would be upset when you broke out
all the windows on the church van down the street? Did it not occur to you that throwing a bunch
of glass bottles into the road to watch them explode might cause a police
response? Sneaking out in the middle of
the night with some freakishly strange friends?
"Borrowing" a car before getting a license? Throwing stuff on bonfires to see what would
happen? What were we thinking?!
The reality is, when you told your parents, your guidance
counselor, your church leader, or the police officer the only thing you could
tell them ("I don't know what I was thinking"), you were actually telling
them the truth. I can remember clearly
the feeling that went along with that answer; I was frustrated with whatever
adult had busted me because they couldn't seem to accept that I really didn't
know what I had been thinking, and I was frustrated with myself because it
seemed so clear that I really should have thought something before setting that fire (or driving that fast, or
throwing that sharp metal object, or hitchhiking across Mexico)...but I really
hadn't thought about the consequences at all.
Not at all.
Years later, as a graduate student, I finally discovered why
that had been the case. It won't
surprise anybody reading this that human babies are not born with fully developed
brains; it takes months before babies can do anything for themselves and years
before they even start acting like a real person. The development of the brain during this time
holds the reason for adolescent idiocy and the key to understanding what our
kids are (or are not) thinking...and that understanding can be very helpful
when you're trying to control your temper and avoid that awkward visit from CPS.
As the brain continues to develop after birth, it follows a
path that generally grows from the back of the head, up, and forward. Breathing, heart rate, and swallowing are
some of the basic brain functions that are present at birth, and they are centered
in the brain stem (the lower back part of the brain). As the child grows, the brain develops up and
forward; improved motor control, understanding language, and being able to speak
a language all develop over time (in that order) as the brain continues to
develop over time.
So, the front part of the brain is the last area of the brain to reach maximum efficiency and do the job it was designed to do. What is that job? Process complex information and determine cause and effect relationships (among other things). In other words, the last part of the brain to develop is the part that helps us understand consequences. And here's the kicker: it doesn't fully develop until the mid twenties! You did not have a fully functioning brain until well past the point you thought you were an adult!
Here's an interesting fact: most people consider adulthood
to begin at 18 years. Why? Because that's what the government says (for
whatever reason). But consider some
private businesses that can make or lose money based upon who they trust to do
business with. I had a big surprise when
I got married at 23 years old and tried to rent a car. I had been a legal adult for years and had a
driver's license even longer; imagine my frustration when I found out they
wouldn't rent to me because I was too
young! I haven't researched this
exhaustively, but I'm not aware of any car rental company that will rent to
anyone younger than 25. Isn't it
interesting that many different companies have figured out that people younger
than 25 tend to make bad decisions that end up costing them money? Makes me question why we let 16-year-olds
drive, 18-year-olds vote, and 21-year-olds drink.
So what's the what in all this? Two important points. One, your 6-year-old, 14-year-old, and even
your 17-year-old really don't know what they were thinking when they decided to
do whatever ridiculous thing they did.
You can ask if you want, but you should know up front that you will
never get an answer that makes any sense.
The adolescent brain has not yet developed the ability to consistently see cause and effect; that
doesn't mean they can't do it at all, it just means they won't be able to do it
as regularly as an adult. After they've
done what they've done, they'll be able to see all the reasons why they
shouldn't have done whatever they did (they actually are not as stupid as their actions would suggest). But thinking they
should have thought about those reasons before
they did it is like expecting them to sprout wings and fly. It's just not a rational thing to expect.
The second point: boundaries are vitally important for your
kids. Just because children don't have
the ability to consistently see causes and effects does not mean they should be
immune from the consequences of their actions.
When I talk to parents about how the human brain develops, they often
(mistakenly) believe I want them to be more lenient and permissive. It's actually the exact opposite! Because your kids don't yet have the ability
to consistently consider possible outcomes, you, as the adult, need to lay down
clear and exact boundaries for appropriate behavior. When those boundaries are crossed, there
should be consequences that match the offense.
Consequences are the way your kids will actually learn how to think like
an adult and develop the ability to consider what might happen as a result of
their actions.
So what's the point of learning what the adolescent brain
can and can't do if you should still bring down the hammer when your kids do
dumb stuff? The point is your own
sanity. Don't make the mistake of
allowing yourself to get angry and frustrated when your kids make ridiculous
choices...that's what kids do! Recognize
that your child is acting like a child, your teenager is acting like a
teenager, and your young adult is acting like a young adult (remember, the
brain doesn't reach its full capabilities until the mid twenties!). There's no need to worry, get angry, or try
to figure out what kind of therapy they need just because they are making
incredibly bad choices without thinking about the consequences. Again, that's what kids do! As a parent, remember the times when you did
similar stupid stuff, remember how it felt to not know why you did what you
did, and then allow yourself to feel badly that you have to lower the boom so
they can learn important life lessons.
In the end, it's actually much more tolerable to feel pity for your
kids' growing pains than it is to feel angry and frustrated at their
incomprehensible behavior!
