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| Photo by James Vaughan CC BY 2.0 |
Here’s a list of the 5 biggest offenders I’ve seen
causing problems for people…
1. “I just couldn’t handle it if…” This particular nasty phrase is unique to
each person who utters it (each person has something different they “can’t
handle”), but the impact is the same for everybody: you’re left feeling weak,
incapable, and scared of whatever the “thing” might be. And that’s not the worst part of it! Far worse is that it doesn’t even make any
sense! What does it even mean that you
“couldn’t handle it”? Are you going to
burst into flames if it happens? Will
you poof out of existence? Will your reason
for death be listed as “Inability to Handle It”?
The reality is
that there is nothing you “can’t handle” because there’s no other option. No matter what happens, you will wake up
tomorrow and will go through the day.
Yes, the day following some tragic event will be a particularly unpleasant
day (you may not even make it out of bed!)…but one thing’s for certain: you
will handle it. Saying otherwise does nothing but cause unnecessary worry and
anxiety. An alternative statement could
be: “I really don’t want (insert bad thing here) to happen, but if it does,
I’ll deal with it the best I can.”
2. “He/She/They think I’m…” Unless you’ve been bitten by a radioactive
spider, were born on a planet with a different colored sun, or have been
exposed to some mutation-causing substance, you do not have the ability to know
what other people are thinking. You may think
you know this fact already ("Of course I can't read people's minds!"),
but go ahead and spend some time listening to your own thoughts: you’ll be
surprised how often you truly believe you
know what’s going on in the head of another person.
The reality is that we will never know what another person is thinking or
why they are doing what they are doing (i.e. their motives). Even if they tell you what they think about
you in no uncertain terms, you still can't possibly know what they think of you. You only know what they told you they think of you.
How many times have you done something in your life without fully
understanding the reasons? If you don’t
even know why you do what you do, how
can you possible believe you understand other people's motivations? An alternative statement could be: “It seems like he/she/they think (insert
something here). Too bad I don’t have
any mindreading superpowers to help me know for sure!”
3. “I’m/She’s/He’s so (insert adjective here)”. Let’s just lay this out up front: there is no
label you can apply to any human being and have it be accurate. People can do smart things and they can do
stupid things. People can look beautiful
and they can look dreadful. People can
do good things and they can do evil things.
That being said, a person cannot be
smart, beautiful, or good. Conversely,
people cannot be stupid, dreadful, or
evil. That doesn’t mean people don’t do all sorts of good and bad things,
there's simply a big difference between doing and being. Of course, some may claim that by doing good or bad things people become good or bad...if that's the case,
what's the percentage that marks the difference? Does 51% good make me a good person? If I'm at 50.9% can I round up and be
considered good? If not, can I do just
one more good thing to push me over the 51% line? You can see the problem.
In reality, labels do not work for people because humans are so
frustratingly inconsistent. We all do
good and we all do bad. Sometimes we're
smart and sometimes we're complete boneheads.
By mistakenly assigning labels to people instead of the things people
do, we end up feeling unpleasant emotions toward those people; as a result,
hard feelings develop, relationships are damaged, and we make ourselves more miserable
than we need to be. An alternative statement could be: "That sure was a stupid thing he just
did...he's lucky no one is defined by just one action."
4. “I knew this would happen" OR "This
is going to be…”. Again,
if there are no radio-active spiders, alien planets, or mutations in your past,
you cannot see the future. There is no
way you can ever know how anything will turn out. You can know percentages, likelihoods, and
chances, but you do not know anything
about the future.
Of all the bad ways of thinking, this may be the most acceptable to the
most people. I often hear people claim
that expecting a bad outcome leads to better feelings if things really do turn
out badly or, if there is a surprise positive outcome, unexpected good feelings. Unfortunately, that's just dumb. "Oh man, my dog died...good thing I
expected something bad was going to happen today otherwise I'd be really upset
right now!" Some really cool
research (If the fact that I think research can be "really cool"
makes you think I'm a total dork, you need to read #3 again.) actually proved
that people will be upset when bad things happen and excited when good things
happen without any influence from their
expectations. What does that
mean? You are going to be disappointed
when bad things happen and excited when good things happen...and there's no
stopping it. All the time you spend
expecting a bad outcome does nothing but let you feel the bad feelings sooner. An alternative statement could be: "This
might be a really lousy day...only one way to find out!"
5. “Should”.
I saved the best for last. You
use this word countless times per day in numerous situations...can you define
it? I've asked hundreds of people that
question over the years and I've never once received an accurate definition. The word "should" is defined as, "Simple
past tense of shall" (dictionary.com).
"Should" is nothing more than the past tense of a word that refers
to something that is expected or commanded.
Can you explain to me how something can be expected or commanded in the
past? "I should have done better!" Well, that's good to know...but you didn't. "You should have taken the trash
out!" Um, okay, but I didn't. The word "should" really has no
meaning...it references something that could
have been, but wasn't. When we use it,
we trap ourselves in a world that never existed while we ignore the reality
that, at some point, we need to deal with.
And
that's just when we use the word properly!
We more often use the word to indicate what ought to happen in the
future (e.g. "you should quit that job!"). Really?
"Should" is based on "shall" (which is a command)
and we go around dropping it left and right as if we have the power and
authority to dictate the way the universe ought to line up. No wonder we're all so frustrated all the
time, we're operating with the delusional belief that we have the ability to decree
the way things ought to be...and then we have to deal with the emotional
fallout when we discover (gasp!) the universe does not actually respond to our
commands! Can we all agree we would be
better off deleting the word "should" from our vocabulary and instead
saying what we really mean? Try this
instead of the "s" word: "I would prefer if things happen this
way, but I recognize I don't always get what I want."
