Five Things You Need to Stop Saying… Unless You Like Being Unhappy

Photo by James Vaughan CC BY 2.0

Assuming you grew up surrounded by other people, you’ve unknowingly picked up a number of phrases and sayings that are causing all sorts of grief for you.  It's like a family of raccoons has made a nest in your attic and now they’re tearing up the insulation, chewing through wires, and generally making a mess of things.  All of this is happening right under your nose (actually, it’s happening right between your ears if we want to be functionally correct), without you even knowing it’s a problem.

Here’s a list of the 5 biggest offenders I’ve seen causing problems for people… 

1.      “I just couldn’t handle it if…”  This particular nasty phrase is unique to each person who utters it (each person has something different they “can’t handle”), but the impact is the same for everybody: you’re left feeling weak, incapable, and scared of whatever the “thing” might be.  And that’s not the worst part of it!  Far worse is that it doesn’t even make any sense!  What does it even mean that you “couldn’t handle it”?  Are you going to burst into flames if it happens?  Will you poof out of existence?  Will your reason for death be listed as “Inability to Handle It”?

The reality is that there is nothing you “can’t handle” because there’s no other option.  No matter what happens, you will wake up tomorrow and will go through the day.  Yes, the day following some tragic event will be a particularly unpleasant day (you may not even make it out of bed!)…but one thing’s for certain: you will handle it. Saying otherwise does nothing but cause unnecessary worry and anxiety.  An alternative statement could be: “I really don’t want (insert bad thing here) to happen, but if it does, I’ll deal with it the best I can.”

2.      “He/She/They think I’m…”  Unless you’ve been bitten by a radioactive spider, were born on a planet with a different colored sun, or have been exposed to some mutation-causing substance, you do not have the ability to know what other people are thinking.  You may think you know this fact already ("Of course I can't read people's minds!"), but go ahead and spend some time listening to your own thoughts: you’ll be surprised how often you truly believe you know what’s going on in the head of another person. 

The reality is that we will never know what another person is thinking or why they are doing what they are doing (i.e. their motives).  Even if they tell you what they think about you in no uncertain terms, you still can't possibly know what they think of you.  You only know what they told you they think of you.  How many times have you done something in your life without fully understanding the reasons?  If you don’t even know why you do what you do, how can you possible believe you understand other people's motivations?  An  alternative statement could be: “It seems like he/she/they think (insert something here).  Too bad I don’t have any mindreading superpowers to help me know for sure!”

3.      “I’m/She’s/He’s so (insert adjective here)”.  Let’s just lay this out up front: there is no label you can apply to any human being and have it be accurate.  People can do smart things and they can do stupid things.  People can look beautiful and they can look dreadful.  People can do good things and they can do evil things.  That being said, a person cannot be smart, beautiful, or good.  Conversely, people cannot be stupid, dreadful, or evil.  That doesn’t mean people don’t do all sorts of good and bad things, there's simply a big difference between doing and being.  Of course, some may claim that by doing good or bad things people become good or bad...if that's the case, what's the percentage that marks the difference?  Does 51% good make me a good person?  If I'm at 50.9% can I round up and be considered good?  If not, can I do just one more good thing to push me over the 51% line?  You can see the problem.

In reality, labels do not work for people because humans are so frustratingly inconsistent.  We all do good and we all do bad.  Sometimes we're smart and sometimes we're complete boneheads.  By mistakenly assigning labels to people instead of the things people do, we end up feeling unpleasant emotions toward those people; as a result, hard feelings develop, relationships are damaged, and we make ourselves more miserable than we need to be.  An  alternative statement could be:  "That sure was a stupid thing he just did...he's lucky no one is defined by just one action."

4.      “I knew this would happen" OR "This is going to be…”.  Again, if there are no radio-active spiders, alien planets, or mutations in your past, you cannot see the future.  There is no way you can ever know how anything will turn out.  You can know percentages, likelihoods, and chances, but you do not know anything about the future.

Of all the bad ways of thinking, this may be the most acceptable to the most people.  I often hear people claim that expecting a bad outcome leads to better feelings if things really do turn out badly or, if there is a surprise positive outcome, unexpected good feelings.  Unfortunately, that's just dumb.  "Oh man, my dog died...good thing I expected something bad was going to happen today otherwise I'd be really upset right now!"  Some really cool research (If the fact that I think research can be "really cool" makes you think I'm a total dork, you need to read #3 again.) actually proved that people will be upset when bad things happen and excited when good things happen without any influence from their expectations.  What does that mean?  You are going to be disappointed when bad things happen and excited when good things happen...and there's no stopping it.  All the time you spend expecting a bad outcome does nothing but let you feel the bad feelings sooner.  An  alternative statement could be: "This might be a really lousy day...only one way to find out!"

5.      “Should”.  I saved the best for last.  You use this word countless times per day in numerous situations...can you define it?  I've asked hundreds of people that question over the years and I've never once received an accurate definition.  The word "should" is defined as, "Simple past tense of shall" (dictionary.com).  "Should" is nothing more than the past tense of a word that refers to something that is expected or commanded.  Can you explain to me how something can be expected or commanded in the past?  "I should have done better!"  Well, that's good to know...but you didn't.  "You should have taken the trash out!"  Um, okay, but I didn't.  The word "should" really has no meaning...it references something that could have been, but wasn't.  When we use it, we trap ourselves in a world that never existed while we ignore the reality that, at some point, we need to deal with.

And that's just when we use the word properly!  We more often use the word to indicate what ought to happen in the future (e.g. "you should quit that job!").  Really?  "Should" is based on "shall" (which is a command) and we go around dropping it left and right as if we have the power and authority to dictate the way the universe ought to line up.  No wonder we're all so frustrated all the time, we're operating with the delusional belief that we have the ability to decree the way things ought to be...and then we have to deal with the emotional fallout when we discover (gasp!) the universe does not actually respond to our commands!  Can we all agree we would be better off deleting the word "should" from our vocabulary and instead saying what we really mean?  Try this instead of the "s" word: "I would prefer if things happen this way, but I recognize I don't always get what I want."

Congratulations, You're a Weirdo!

Photo by James Vaughan CC BY 2.0

“Is that normal?” is easily the most common question I get asked from clients and non-clients alike.  At one time or another, we've all been the one who didn't fit in and we remember how miserable that feels.  As a result, most of us go through life comparing our thoughts and behaviors to those around us because (1) we’re generally social creatures who want to fit in and (2) we’re scared we’re one crack away from a full-blown meltdown.  (As a good psychologist I should take this opportunity to explain how that tendency is actually an instinct that ensures we fit in with a larger group and increase our chances of survival...but, snore.)

Of course, this worry about whether or not we're weird makes perfect sense; none of us knows what anyone else is experiencing and there’s absolutely no way for us to know if those secret thoughts we harbor (but never share) are harmless passing fancies or the first indication of psychopathic darkness.  That’s some scary stuff to consider…and for most people there’s no good way to find out.  True, we could ask friends or other acquaintances, but what if by asking we’re actually letting people know just how scared of us they should be?  Remember the following exchange from the movie, Wayne’s World?

Garth:     Did you ever find Bugs Bunny attractive when he put on a dress and played a girl bunny?
Wayne: (Cracks up laughing) No!
Garth:  (Obviously embarrassed) Uh, neither did I.  I was just asking.

We’re all just like Garth and we’re clueless as to what’s normal and what’s freaky.  The only difference is that we usually err on the side of not asking the question…just in case.

Let me set your mind at ease.  Yes, you are normal – But maybe not the way you had hoped.

“Normal” is what psychologists deal with every day and it’s what led to the development of the career field.  Psychologists use psychological testing, which is based on statistics, to determine what most people think, feel, and experience.  If something is thought, felt, or experienced by the majority of people, then that thing is considered "normal".  If very few people think, feel, or experience something, then that thing is considered "abnormal".  There are concrete statistical terms that define explicitly at what point something transitions out of the realm of normal and into the deviant (in fact, a “standard deviation” is the actual statistical term…if you fall three standard deviations outside the norm, you are, by definition, “deviant”).  So, science has provided us a beautiful way to know for certain where we fall in relation to our friends and family.

Of course, nothing in the world of psychology is ever that simple...

Throughout my career I've administered countless IQ tests.  Most of these tests are designed so that the average (or normal) IQ is 100, with the total score being made up of several sub-scores.  Some sub-scores focus on knowledge and learning abilities while others look at how quickly and accurately a person can process information (among other things).  So, even if I had two people who both scored a completely "average" score of 100, each one would have different sub-scores that made up that IQ.  Perhaps the first scored an above-average 110 on verbal abilities but was a low-average 90 on performance abilities, while the second was the mirror opposite (90 verbal and 110 performance).  Each would have an average IQ, but neither would look anything like the other as far as intellectual abilities are concerned.  You can see how the word "average" can be frustratingly deceptive in meaning.

In many ways, "average" and "normal" are interchangeable words.  Our level of normalness, like our IQ, is made up of countless parts; there are a limitless number of personality traits, thoughts, or interests by which we could be compared to others.  Pick any one particular item and you may, or may not, be like the majority of other people.  That single thing, in and of itself, is not the determining factor of how normal we are.  Rather, the sum of all those countless parts is the only rational way we could possibly determine how normal we are.

With that in mind, the original question ("Is that normal?") takes on a whole new meaning.  Is it normal for Garth to find Bugs Bunny attractive?  I feel comfortable in assuming it's not.  Is it normal that I have always wanted to see what I would look like as a Muppet?  Again, it's probably safe to assume I'm in the minority on that one.  Does that make Garth and me freaky-deaky weirdos?  On those specific points, yes.  But what about when we take our entire selves and compare them to everybody else.  I've yet to meet a person who doesn't have a number of weird skeletons in the closet...that being the case, if I didn't have my curious fascination with Muppets, and if Garth wasn't fond of cartoon bunnies, we'd clearly be abnormal in our lack of having some weirdness. 

In short, you can relax, you're normal...precisely because you're such a weirdo in so many ways. 

Congratulations, You're a Horrible Parent!

If you’re like most parents, at some point you’ve had some quiet time (probably late in the night) to reflect on how wonderful it is to have children, how blessed you are to be part of their growth and development…and how badly you continually screw it up.  Really, really screw it up.  We’ve all been there, whether after losing our temper because our kids are acting like kids or after recognizing just how much like our own parents we’ve become, and it’s not a fun place.  I have no idea how often I’ve heard a concerned parent say, “I’m just so worried I’m going to give my kids issues they’ll have to deal with for the rest of their lives…just like  my parents did to me!”

My response to this is always the same, regardless of the situation.  “Yes. Yes, you ARE going to give your kids issues they’ll have to deal with for the rest of their lives.”  Accept it, believe it, own it…because there's absolutely nothing you can do about it.  Ouch.

Reactions to this sort of blunt truth vary from person to person, but surprise is fairly universal.  What kind of horrible psychologist tells a person to give up because there’s nothing they can do about it?!  I typically provide a bit more explanation through a simple question: Do you know any person, any person at all, who does not have issues they deal with from their parents?  People tend to think about that for a moment, but I’ve yet to receive any answer other than a simple “Well, no”. 

You are going to screw up your kids.  Every parent has, every parent will.  You are either going to screw them up the same way your parents screwed you up or, if you’re the creative type, you’ll come up with some new and original screwiness to pass along.  And to make the problem worse, even if you're able to recognize the damaging things you do, make all the necessary corrections, and never do the same things again, there will be something else you do (without ever knowing about it) that your kids will undoubtedly see as the source of all their future problems.  Sigh.

A personal example will show exactly what I mean.  I come from a very opinionated family...and we're not shy about sharing our opinions...or disagreeing with other people's opinions...or disagreeing with passion.  As I got older, I started to see this as a problem because a lot of people don't appreciate having their opinion disagreed with passionately (which I still don't fully understand...don't they get that I'm simply trying to help them see how wrong they are so they can start being right? Don't they want to be right?).  I learned quickly that a lot of my problems were caused, or made worse, by the strength of my opinions and my willingness to express them passionately.  And of course this was all my parents' fault.  If only my parents had raised me to be more accommodating or had been less willing to model their "debate skills" in front of me during my precious formative years!  I was convinced my problems would be few and far between if only my parents had not damaged me so.

I carried this burden for years when, toward the end of my undergraduate college work, I met a beautiful young woman who offered me hope.  Candice was not only fun, attractive, and smart...she also came from a family that did not fight!  Of course they had disagreements, but these disagreements tended to be short-lived and would more often end with both parties apologizing, crying, and hugging (I must admit...it still seems pretty weird to me).  As I got to know her better, I found out that Candice had never once seen her parents fight.  Candice's parents had done exactly what I had convinced myself my parents should have done in order to raise me right!  And, just as I believed I would have turned out in such an environment, Candice had become an adult who was incredibly relaxed, easy to get along with, and generally pleasant to talk to.  I married her.

The first several weeks of married life were blissful.  I remained as opinionated as ever since Candice was pretty much fine with whatever.  Until she wasn't.  I have no idea what the fight was about but, from my perspective, it was not a big deal; we talked it out and I moved on.  I found out a few days later (when Candice suggested perhaps we needed marital counseling) that my new wife had been left feeling as though her new marriage was destined for failure and she would be trapped in a loveless relationship straight from a Jane Austin novel.  It didn't help that I couldn't even remember what we had disagreed about and was utterly confused about what could possibly cause her to feel this way.

We talked, but no amount of assurances from me helped her feel that our relationship was salvageable.  Until, that is, she called her mother seeking some consolation.  After describing the situation to her mom and explaining how hard it was for her because "you and dad never fought", Candice was surprised to hear her mom (laughingly) explain that her parents argued all the time...just never in front of the kids.  This was, of course, an incredible revelation to my wife and, although she still has a very difficult time accepting that disagreements are not the end of the world, she began to accept that maybe it's okay to disagree within a marriage and still have a great relationship. 

As surprised as Candice was to hear that her parents were not always of one opinion, I was even more surprised in the revelation that came to me.  Candice's parents had done everything I had wished my parents had done...and she was just as screwed up as me!  Screwy in a different way, it's true, but screwy nonetheless.  My parents argued in front of me all the time and it gave me issues.  Candice's parents never argued in front of her and it gave her issues.  As a parent, you can't win!

The reason you can't win as a parent is simple: it's not your game.  As an adult, you've lived a number of years and have learned a lot of lessons (like how to deal with the issues you developed from your parents)...now it's time for your kids to learn some lessons too.  No matter what you do as a parent, you will be providing your children an opportunity to misunderstand and misinterpret the world they're living in.  And that's exactly as it should be; children learn through mistakes, why wouldn't many of those mistakes be attributed to the people they spend the most time with? 

Of course there are good, better, and best parenting practices, and I encourage every parent to learn and implement every best practice they can.  But, never forget that even if you were the perfect parent (if such a thing even exists), your kids haven't yet had the opportunity to learn perfection and, as a result, they will have issues you can't even begin to anticipate.  I can imagine the future product of your perfect parenting sitting on my couch complaining about the impossible standard set by "my perfect parents" and how much pressure there is trying to live up to expectations.

In the end, if you love your kids and treat them well (there's obviously no excuse for abuse of any kind!), it won't be the parenting that's to blame for your kids' issues, it will be the fact that your kids are just as human as anyone else.  Perfect parents are not a necessary ingredient for a successful life (if they were there'd be no successful people).  Relax, accept your imperfect parenting (while always trying to be better), love your imperfect kids (while always trying to help them be better), and sit back and wait to be blamed for your kids future problems.  It's coming!