If you’re like most parents, at some point you’ve had some quiet time (probably late in the night) to reflect on how wonderful it is to have children, how blessed you are to be part of their growth and development…and how badly you continually screw it up. Really, really screw it up. We’ve all been there, whether after losing our temper because our kids are acting like kids or after recognizing just how much like our own parents we’ve become, and it’s not a fun place. I have no idea how often I’ve heard a concerned parent say, “I’m just so worried I’m going to give my kids issues they’ll have to deal with for the rest of their lives…just like my parents did to me!”
My response to this is always the same, regardless of the situation. “Yes. Yes, you ARE going to give your kids issues they’ll have to deal with for the rest of their lives.” Accept it, believe it, own it…because there's absolutely nothing you can do about it. Ouch.
Reactions to this sort of blunt truth vary from person to person, but surprise is fairly universal. What kind of horrible psychologist tells a person to give up because there’s nothing they can do about it?! I typically provide a bit more explanation through a simple question: Do you know any person, any person at all, who does not have issues they deal with from their parents? People tend to think about that for a moment, but I’ve yet to receive any answer other than a simple “Well, no”.
You are going to screw up your kids. Every parent has, every parent will. You are either going to screw them up the same way your parents screwed you up or, if you’re the creative type, you’ll come up with some new and original screwiness to pass along. And to make the problem worse, even if you're able to recognize the damaging things you do, make all the necessary corrections, and never do the same things again, there will be something else you do (without ever knowing about it) that your kids will undoubtedly see as the source of all their future problems. Sigh.
A personal example will show exactly what I mean. I come from a very opinionated family...and we're not shy about sharing our opinions...or disagreeing with other people's opinions...or disagreeing with passion. As I got older, I started to see this as a problem because a lot of people don't appreciate having their opinion disagreed with passionately (which I still don't fully understand...don't they get that I'm simply trying to help them see how wrong they are so they can start being right? Don't they want to be right?). I learned quickly that a lot of my problems were caused, or made worse, by the strength of my opinions and my willingness to express them passionately. And of course this was all my parents' fault. If only my parents had raised me to be more accommodating or had been less willing to model their "debate skills" in front of me during my precious formative years! I was convinced my problems would be few and far between if only my parents had not damaged me so.
I carried this burden for years when, toward the end of my undergraduate college work, I met a beautiful young woman who offered me hope. Candice was not only fun, attractive, and smart...she also came from a family that did not fight! Of course they had disagreements, but these disagreements tended to be short-lived and would more often end with both parties apologizing, crying, and hugging (I must admit...it still seems pretty weird to me). As I got to know her better, I found out that Candice had never once seen her parents fight. Candice's parents had done exactly what I had convinced myself my parents should have done in order to raise me right! And, just as I believed I would have turned out in such an environment, Candice had become an adult who was incredibly relaxed, easy to get along with, and generally pleasant to talk to. I married her.
The first several weeks of married life were blissful. I remained as opinionated as ever since Candice was pretty much fine with whatever. Until she wasn't. I have no idea what the fight was about but, from my perspective, it was not a big deal; we talked it out and I moved on. I found out a few days later (when Candice suggested perhaps we needed marital counseling) that my new wife had been left feeling as though her new marriage was destined for failure and she would be trapped in a loveless relationship straight from a Jane Austin novel. It didn't help that I couldn't even remember what we had disagreed about and was utterly confused about what could possibly cause her to feel this way.
We talked, but no amount of assurances from me helped her feel that our relationship was salvageable. Until, that is, she called her mother seeking some consolation. After describing the situation to her mom and explaining how hard it was for her because "you and dad never fought", Candice was surprised to hear her mom (laughingly) explain that her parents argued all the time...just never in front of the kids. This was, of course, an incredible revelation to my wife and, although she still has a very difficult time accepting that disagreements are not the end of the world, she began to accept that maybe it's okay to disagree within a marriage and still have a great relationship.
As surprised as Candice was to hear that her parents were not always of one opinion, I was even more surprised in the revelation that came to me. Candice's parents had done everything I had wished my parents had done...and she was just as screwed up as me! Screwy in a different way, it's true, but screwy nonetheless. My parents argued in front of me all the time and it gave me issues. Candice's parents never argued in front of her and it gave her issues. As a parent, you can't win!
The reason you can't win as a parent is simple: it's not your game. As an adult, you've lived a number of years and have learned a lot of lessons (like how to deal with the issues you developed from your parents)...now it's time for your kids to learn some lessons too. No matter what you do as a parent, you will be providing your children an opportunity to misunderstand and misinterpret the world they're living in. And that's exactly as it should be; children learn through mistakes, why wouldn't many of those mistakes be attributed to the people they spend the most time with?
Of course there are good, better, and best parenting practices, and I encourage every parent to learn and implement every best practice they can. But, never forget that even if you were the perfect parent (if such a thing even exists), your kids haven't yet had the opportunity to learn perfection and, as a result, they will have issues you can't even begin to anticipate. I can imagine the future product of your perfect parenting sitting on my couch complaining about the impossible standard set by "my perfect parents" and how much pressure there is trying to live up to expectations.
In the end, if you love your kids and treat them well (there's obviously no excuse for abuse of any kind!), it won't be the parenting that's to blame for your kids' issues, it will be the fact that your kids are just as human as anyone else. Perfect parents are not a necessary ingredient for a successful life (if they were there'd be no successful people). Relax, accept your imperfect parenting (while always trying to be better), love your imperfect kids (while always trying to help them be better), and sit back and wait to be blamed for your kids future problems. It's coming!
