What Were They Thinking?! Why Kids Do Dumb Things

 

Believe it or not, your kids actually have some really good excuses for all the stupid stuff they do...better than most parents even realize.  Think back to your younger years (for some of us its harder than for others) and I'm sure you can recall some experience where you did something really, really dumb, got yourself caught, and were asked the question for which no teenager has ever given a good answer: What were you thinking?! 

Did you not realize someone would be upset when you broke out all the windows on the church van down the street?  Did it not occur to you that throwing a bunch of glass bottles into the road to watch them explode might cause a police response?  Sneaking out in the middle of the night with some freakishly strange friends?  "Borrowing" a car before getting a license?  Throwing stuff on bonfires to see what would happen?  What were we thinking?!

The reality is, when you told your parents, your guidance counselor, your church leader, or the police officer the only thing you could tell them ("I don't know what I was thinking"), you were actually telling them the truth.  I can remember clearly the feeling that went along with that answer; I was frustrated with whatever adult had busted me because they couldn't seem to accept that I really didn't know what I had been thinking, and I was frustrated with myself because it seemed so clear that I really should have thought something before setting that fire (or driving that fast, or throwing that sharp metal object, or hitchhiking across Mexico)...but I really hadn't thought about the consequences at all.  Not at all.

Years later, as a graduate student, I finally discovered why that had been the case.  It won't surprise anybody reading this that human babies are not born with fully developed brains; it takes months before babies can do anything for themselves and years before they even start acting like a real person.  The development of the brain during this time holds the reason for adolescent idiocy and the key to understanding what our kids are (or are not) thinking...and that understanding can be very helpful when you're trying to control your temper and avoid that awkward visit from CPS.

As the brain continues to develop after birth, it follows a path that generally grows from the back of the head, up, and forward.  Breathing, heart rate, and swallowing are some of the basic brain functions that are present at birth, and they are centered in the brain stem (the lower back part of the brain).  As the child grows, the brain develops up and forward; improved motor control, understanding language, and being able to speak a language all develop over time (in that order) as the brain continues to develop over time. 

So, the front part of the brain is the last area of the brain to reach maximum efficiency and do the job it was designed to do.  What is that job?  Process complex information and determine cause and effect relationships (among other things).  In other words, the last part of the brain to develop is the part that helps us understand consequences.  And here's the kicker: it doesn't fully develop until the mid twenties!  You did not have a fully functioning brain until well past the point you thought you were an adult!

Here's an interesting fact: most people consider adulthood to begin at 18 years.  Why?  Because that's what the government says (for whatever reason).  But consider some private businesses that can make or lose money based upon who they trust to do business with.  I had a big surprise when I got married at 23 years old and tried to rent a car.  I had been a legal adult for years and had a driver's license even longer; imagine my frustration when I found out they wouldn't rent to me because I was too young!  I haven't researched this exhaustively, but I'm not aware of any car rental company that will rent to anyone younger than 25.  Isn't it interesting that many different companies have figured out that people younger than 25 tend to make bad decisions that end up costing them money?  Makes me question why we let 16-year-olds drive, 18-year-olds vote, and 21-year-olds drink.

So what's the what in all this?  Two important points.  One, your 6-year-old, 14-year-old, and even your 17-year-old really don't know what they were thinking when they decided to do whatever ridiculous thing they did.  You can ask if you want, but you should know up front that you will never get an answer that makes any sense.  The adolescent brain has not yet developed the ability to consistently see cause and effect; that doesn't mean they can't do it at all, it just means they won't be able to do it as regularly as an adult.  After they've done what they've done, they'll be able to see all the reasons why they shouldn't have done whatever they did (they actually are not as stupid as their actions would suggest). But thinking they should have thought about those reasons before they did it is like expecting them to sprout wings and fly.  It's just not a rational thing to expect.

The second point: boundaries are vitally important for your kids.  Just because children don't have the ability to consistently see causes and effects does not mean they should be immune from the consequences of their actions.  When I talk to parents about how the human brain develops, they often (mistakenly) believe I want them to be more lenient and permissive.  It's actually the exact opposite!  Because your kids don't yet have the ability to consistently consider possible outcomes, you, as the adult, need to lay down clear and exact boundaries for appropriate behavior.  When those boundaries are crossed, there should be consequences that match the offense.  Consequences are the way your kids will actually learn how to think like an adult and develop the ability to consider what might happen as a result of their actions.

So what's the point of learning what the adolescent brain can and can't do if you should still bring down the hammer when your kids do dumb stuff?  The point is your own sanity.  Don't make the mistake of allowing yourself to get angry and frustrated when your kids make ridiculous choices...that's what kids do!  Recognize that your child is acting like a child, your teenager is acting like a teenager, and your young adult is acting like a young adult (remember, the brain doesn't reach its full capabilities until the mid twenties!).  There's no need to worry, get angry, or try to figure out what kind of therapy they need just because they are making incredibly bad choices without thinking about the consequences.  Again, that's what kids do!  As a parent, remember the times when you did similar stupid stuff, remember how it felt to not know why you did what you did, and then allow yourself to feel badly that you have to lower the boom so they can learn important life lessons.  In the end, it's actually much more tolerable to feel pity for your kids' growing pains than it is to feel angry and frustrated at their incomprehensible behavior!

Congratulations, You're a Weirdo!

Photo by James Vaughan CC BY 2.0

“Is that normal?” is easily the most common question I get asked from clients and non-clients alike.  At one time or another, we've all been the one who didn't fit in and we remember how miserable that feels.  As a result, most of us go through life comparing our thoughts and behaviors to those around us because (1) we’re generally social creatures who want to fit in and (2) we’re scared we’re one crack away from a full-blown meltdown.  (As a good psychologist I should take this opportunity to explain how that tendency is actually an instinct that ensures we fit in with a larger group and increase our chances of survival...but, snore.)

Of course, this worry about whether or not we're weird makes perfect sense; none of us knows what anyone else is experiencing and there’s absolutely no way for us to know if those secret thoughts we harbor (but never share) are harmless passing fancies or the first indication of psychopathic darkness.  That’s some scary stuff to consider…and for most people there’s no good way to find out.  True, we could ask friends or other acquaintances, but what if by asking we’re actually letting people know just how scared of us they should be?  Remember the following exchange from the movie, Wayne’s World?

Garth:     Did you ever find Bugs Bunny attractive when he put on a dress and played a girl bunny?
Wayne: (Cracks up laughing) No!
Garth:  (Obviously embarrassed) Uh, neither did I.  I was just asking.

We’re all just like Garth and we’re clueless as to what’s normal and what’s freaky.  The only difference is that we usually err on the side of not asking the question…just in case.

Let me set your mind at ease.  Yes, you are normal – But maybe not the way you had hoped.

“Normal” is what psychologists deal with every day and it’s what led to the development of the career field.  Psychologists use psychological testing, which is based on statistics, to determine what most people think, feel, and experience.  If something is thought, felt, or experienced by the majority of people, then that thing is considered "normal".  If very few people think, feel, or experience something, then that thing is considered "abnormal".  There are concrete statistical terms that define explicitly at what point something transitions out of the realm of normal and into the deviant (in fact, a “standard deviation” is the actual statistical term…if you fall three standard deviations outside the norm, you are, by definition, “deviant”).  So, science has provided us a beautiful way to know for certain where we fall in relation to our friends and family.

Of course, nothing in the world of psychology is ever that simple...

Throughout my career I've administered countless IQ tests.  Most of these tests are designed so that the average (or normal) IQ is 100, with the total score being made up of several sub-scores.  Some sub-scores focus on knowledge and learning abilities while others look at how quickly and accurately a person can process information (among other things).  So, even if I had two people who both scored a completely "average" score of 100, each one would have different sub-scores that made up that IQ.  Perhaps the first scored an above-average 110 on verbal abilities but was a low-average 90 on performance abilities, while the second was the mirror opposite (90 verbal and 110 performance).  Each would have an average IQ, but neither would look anything like the other as far as intellectual abilities are concerned.  You can see how the word "average" can be frustratingly deceptive in meaning.

In many ways, "average" and "normal" are interchangeable words.  Our level of normalness, like our IQ, is made up of countless parts; there are a limitless number of personality traits, thoughts, or interests by which we could be compared to others.  Pick any one particular item and you may, or may not, be like the majority of other people.  That single thing, in and of itself, is not the determining factor of how normal we are.  Rather, the sum of all those countless parts is the only rational way we could possibly determine how normal we are.

With that in mind, the original question ("Is that normal?") takes on a whole new meaning.  Is it normal for Garth to find Bugs Bunny attractive?  I feel comfortable in assuming it's not.  Is it normal that I have always wanted to see what I would look like as a Muppet?  Again, it's probably safe to assume I'm in the minority on that one.  Does that make Garth and me freaky-deaky weirdos?  On those specific points, yes.  But what about when we take our entire selves and compare them to everybody else.  I've yet to meet a person who doesn't have a number of weird skeletons in the closet...that being the case, if I didn't have my curious fascination with Muppets, and if Garth wasn't fond of cartoon bunnies, we'd clearly be abnormal in our lack of having some weirdness. 

In short, you can relax, you're normal...precisely because you're such a weirdo in so many ways. 

Congratulations, You're a Horrible Parent!

If you’re like most parents, at some point you’ve had some quiet time (probably late in the night) to reflect on how wonderful it is to have children, how blessed you are to be part of their growth and development…and how badly you continually screw it up.  Really, really screw it up.  We’ve all been there, whether after losing our temper because our kids are acting like kids or after recognizing just how much like our own parents we’ve become, and it’s not a fun place.  I have no idea how often I’ve heard a concerned parent say, “I’m just so worried I’m going to give my kids issues they’ll have to deal with for the rest of their lives…just like  my parents did to me!”

My response to this is always the same, regardless of the situation.  “Yes. Yes, you ARE going to give your kids issues they’ll have to deal with for the rest of their lives.”  Accept it, believe it, own it…because there's absolutely nothing you can do about it.  Ouch.

Reactions to this sort of blunt truth vary from person to person, but surprise is fairly universal.  What kind of horrible psychologist tells a person to give up because there’s nothing they can do about it?!  I typically provide a bit more explanation through a simple question: Do you know any person, any person at all, who does not have issues they deal with from their parents?  People tend to think about that for a moment, but I’ve yet to receive any answer other than a simple “Well, no”. 

You are going to screw up your kids.  Every parent has, every parent will.  You are either going to screw them up the same way your parents screwed you up or, if you’re the creative type, you’ll come up with some new and original screwiness to pass along.  And to make the problem worse, even if you're able to recognize the damaging things you do, make all the necessary corrections, and never do the same things again, there will be something else you do (without ever knowing about it) that your kids will undoubtedly see as the source of all their future problems.  Sigh.

A personal example will show exactly what I mean.  I come from a very opinionated family...and we're not shy about sharing our opinions...or disagreeing with other people's opinions...or disagreeing with passion.  As I got older, I started to see this as a problem because a lot of people don't appreciate having their opinion disagreed with passionately (which I still don't fully understand...don't they get that I'm simply trying to help them see how wrong they are so they can start being right? Don't they want to be right?).  I learned quickly that a lot of my problems were caused, or made worse, by the strength of my opinions and my willingness to express them passionately.  And of course this was all my parents' fault.  If only my parents had raised me to be more accommodating or had been less willing to model their "debate skills" in front of me during my precious formative years!  I was convinced my problems would be few and far between if only my parents had not damaged me so.

I carried this burden for years when, toward the end of my undergraduate college work, I met a beautiful young woman who offered me hope.  Candice was not only fun, attractive, and smart...she also came from a family that did not fight!  Of course they had disagreements, but these disagreements tended to be short-lived and would more often end with both parties apologizing, crying, and hugging (I must admit...it still seems pretty weird to me).  As I got to know her better, I found out that Candice had never once seen her parents fight.  Candice's parents had done exactly what I had convinced myself my parents should have done in order to raise me right!  And, just as I believed I would have turned out in such an environment, Candice had become an adult who was incredibly relaxed, easy to get along with, and generally pleasant to talk to.  I married her.

The first several weeks of married life were blissful.  I remained as opinionated as ever since Candice was pretty much fine with whatever.  Until she wasn't.  I have no idea what the fight was about but, from my perspective, it was not a big deal; we talked it out and I moved on.  I found out a few days later (when Candice suggested perhaps we needed marital counseling) that my new wife had been left feeling as though her new marriage was destined for failure and she would be trapped in a loveless relationship straight from a Jane Austin novel.  It didn't help that I couldn't even remember what we had disagreed about and was utterly confused about what could possibly cause her to feel this way.

We talked, but no amount of assurances from me helped her feel that our relationship was salvageable.  Until, that is, she called her mother seeking some consolation.  After describing the situation to her mom and explaining how hard it was for her because "you and dad never fought", Candice was surprised to hear her mom (laughingly) explain that her parents argued all the time...just never in front of the kids.  This was, of course, an incredible revelation to my wife and, although she still has a very difficult time accepting that disagreements are not the end of the world, she began to accept that maybe it's okay to disagree within a marriage and still have a great relationship. 

As surprised as Candice was to hear that her parents were not always of one opinion, I was even more surprised in the revelation that came to me.  Candice's parents had done everything I had wished my parents had done...and she was just as screwed up as me!  Screwy in a different way, it's true, but screwy nonetheless.  My parents argued in front of me all the time and it gave me issues.  Candice's parents never argued in front of her and it gave her issues.  As a parent, you can't win!

The reason you can't win as a parent is simple: it's not your game.  As an adult, you've lived a number of years and have learned a lot of lessons (like how to deal with the issues you developed from your parents)...now it's time for your kids to learn some lessons too.  No matter what you do as a parent, you will be providing your children an opportunity to misunderstand and misinterpret the world they're living in.  And that's exactly as it should be; children learn through mistakes, why wouldn't many of those mistakes be attributed to the people they spend the most time with? 

Of course there are good, better, and best parenting practices, and I encourage every parent to learn and implement every best practice they can.  But, never forget that even if you were the perfect parent (if such a thing even exists), your kids haven't yet had the opportunity to learn perfection and, as a result, they will have issues you can't even begin to anticipate.  I can imagine the future product of your perfect parenting sitting on my couch complaining about the impossible standard set by "my perfect parents" and how much pressure there is trying to live up to expectations.

In the end, if you love your kids and treat them well (there's obviously no excuse for abuse of any kind!), it won't be the parenting that's to blame for your kids' issues, it will be the fact that your kids are just as human as anyone else.  Perfect parents are not a necessary ingredient for a successful life (if they were there'd be no successful people).  Relax, accept your imperfect parenting (while always trying to be better), love your imperfect kids (while always trying to help them be better), and sit back and wait to be blamed for your kids future problems.  It's coming!