All I Need to Know I Learned From Kung Fu Panda (Letting Go of the Judgement Focus)

I’ve read a lot of outrageous things on the internet, but I recently came across a quote that set my blood to boiling.  Brace yourself…here it is: “What Kung Fu Panda teaches could fit on a fortune cookie.”

This. Cannot. Stand.  Some movies are so universally applicable in what they say (and how they say it) that everyone, EVERYONE, has something to learn.  Kung Fu Panda is that sort of movie.

I could go through a list of all the outstanding features of this specific film (ageless humor, A-list voice talent, etc.), but I’d rather just focus on the unsung hero of the movie: Master Oogway.  For those of you who weren’t paying close enough attention at the time you saw the movie (I don’t even want to consider the possibility that some of you haven’t seen it), Master Oogway is the tortoise who selects Po (the Panda) to be the Dragon Warrior and also serves as the source of wisdom throughout the film.  Kind of like another green master…it can’t be a coincidence how similar they look, right?

     

Of all the movie quotes I use in therapy (and I use a lot), Master Oogway’s lines easily work the best (sorry Yoda).  In fact, one specific line from the master has yet to find a problem it can’t help.  After hearing from a worried ally who is bringing “very bad news”, Oogway calmly reminds him, “there is just news... there is no good or bad.”

With those ten words, Oogway brilliantly summed up one of the most important psychological (and philosophical) concepts a person can learn: good and bad don't really exist, people just choose to torture themselves with a false belief that there are good and bad things in this world. Before you get all up in arms and ready to call an existential foul, let me clarify one important thing: Oogway wasn't talking about Good and Evil (which certainly do exist), he was referring only to good and bad, which are nothing but fluid, changeable ideas that don't really exist.

Allow me to explain with a personal example.  A few years ago (before I had even considered graduate school), I worked in residential real estate development.  This was during the real estate boom, so money was good...really good.  So good, in fact, that many developers resorted to some very underhanded tactics to increase their access to developable land.  I found out just how underhanded some of these people could be when one of my neighbors informed me that another developer had sent an investigator to talk to them in an effort to "gather dirt" on me prior to a planning commission meeting on one of my projects.

To keep a long story from crossing over into unbearable, I'll just cut to the chase and let you know that I ended up losing two projects due to other developers dishonest and underhanded tactics, and I was as close to losing my home as I would ever want to be.  It was bad.  Luckily, I was able sell some land that allowed me to get out of the projects relatively unscathed, but not without my bruises.

For weeks following these events, I looked at what had happened as an unmitigated disaster.  I could not believe people could do the things they had done to me and my family; I was so scarred by the whole incident that my wife and I decided the money wasn't worth it, and we made the decision to go back to school to do something I truly loved.

Then something amazing happened.  I discovered happiness in my work that I could not have predicted was possible; I actually loved what I was doing and looked forward to each day.  And THEN...I watched in amazement as the housing market started to slide...and then tumble...and ultimately crash and burn.  I'll let you guess what happened to the folks who ended up taking my projects...

At the time it was occurring, I was fully convinced I was experiencing one of the worst things that could happen to a person.  Looking back, however, I can't think of a better, more preferable way for the whole thing to have worked out.  So, here's the question: was it good or was it bad?  The answer: neither, because good and bad only existed in my head.  It was fully bad until I gathered more information and then decided it had actually been fully good.  That being the case, couldn't I get even more information down the road and switch my opinion yet again?

You see, none of us has the God-like perspective we would need in order to decide what things are good and what things are bad.  How many variables factor into every little experience you encounter each day?  When will you ever have enough information to make the good/bad call?

Perhaps the more important question is, what would your life be like if you were capable of losing your focus on judging things as “good” or “bad”?  What if you simply dealt with what was happening rather than getting so worked up about your snap judgments that are almost certainly flawed?  I have yet to experience a problem that wouldn't be greatly improved if the individual experiencing it were able to stop judging every little thing about it.  We'd all be much happier if we simply recognized that we just don't know enough about what's coming next or what our current experiences are leading to.

Without a doubt, Oogway is the wisest cartoon tortoise ever to master Kung Fu, inspire countless people, and ascend to the heavens in a cloud of peach blossoms.  We are the beneficiaries of his wisdom. Okay, so it isn't exactly "Oogway's wisdom" seeing as you can find similar teachings in every major religion, philosophical school, and psychological paradigm...but are any of those even close in terms of mass appeal and general accessibility?  Not a chance.

Now, I’m under no illusion that the creators of Kung Fu Panda were trying to create “philosophy for the masses” or that Jack Black is the founder of a new religion (although, truth be told, I would definitely let those missionaries in if they knocked on my door…), but the fact remains: Kung Fu Panda is a gem of modern society and I will not have anyone disparage it in any way!

Poor, Misunderstood Motivation

 

   

Poor motivation.  I doubt there's any human characteristic more unfairly blamed for everything that's wrong with us.  Any of the following sound familiar

                

 "I want to exercise more, but I just can't find the motivation." 

               

 "I know I should get more of my to-do list done, but I'm just not motivated today." 

               

 "If I could just get more motivated, I could earn so much more money!"

               

 "He'd be a great student, if he would just get motivated and apply himself!"

               

 "I haven't showered in a couple days...maybe I'll feel more motivated tomorrow."

Is there anything wrong with us that we can't blame on motivation?  (baldness is the only thing I've been able to come up with)  Motivation or, more precisely, lack of motivation seems to be the go-to excuse for why we don't get stuff done the way it needs to be done.  And it makes sense; motivation is a useful patsy to blame.  "It's not my fault!  I would gladly stop being lazy if only I weren't horribly stricken with a congenital motivation deficiency for which the medical community has not yet developed a cure!"

I don't recall ever having someone sit down on my couch and say "I know I should spend more time with my kids...but I'm really just not willing to give up my T.V. time to do that."  Rather, people say things like, "I just can't seem to get motivated to do the things I should be doing, like spending time with my kids."

I feel bad for motivation.

The reality is, each and every human being is fully motivated at every moment of every day; there is no situation in which you lack motivation.  You're always doing something...even if that something is just sitting and staring at the wall.  If you're always doing something, then, by default, you must always be motivated.  The question then becomes why are we motivated by some things and not by others?  There's no quick and easy answer that explains the phenomenon of human motivation fully...but I'm not going to let that stop me from giving one anyway.

Research has shown three factors comprise your motivation to do everything.  EVERYTHING.  If you have these three things, you will feel motivated.  If you lack any one of them, you will not feel motivated.  In my work with individuals and groups I've found one of these three things missing every time there is a problem with motivation. 

First, in order to feel motivated you must believe (really believe) the thing you're trying to do will be good for you.  If you don't believe exercise will be good for you (e.g. "I'll just hurt afterward and won't feel any better."), you'll never find the motivation to get up and hit the gym.  On the flip side, if you deep down know that exercise will eventually make you feel better (even if you feel worse for the first little while), there's a good chance you'll make the decision to start.  If only that were enough!

Second, in addition to knowing that something is good for you, you must believe (really believe!) you can actually accomplish the thing that needs to be done and achieve the good you're working toward.  No matter how much I believe a million dollars would be good for me (requirement #1), if I don't believe I have an acceptable chance of winning (which I don't because I know enough about statistics and probability) I will never feel motivated to buy a lottery ticket.  I see this in couples therapy quite often.  No matter how much one believes having a good marriage would be good for them (requirement #1), if they don't believe their spouse will respond to their efforts, They will never be motivated to make the effort to improve the marriage.  If, on the other hand, you find yourself believing something is good for you AND also believing the thing you are considering is actually doable, you are well on your way to feeling a drive to accomplish that thing.  But we're not there yet! There's one final step.

Third, You must believe (really believe!) that the cost is worth the outcome.  Let's say I still believe having a million dollars would be good for me AND I also happen to know a guy who can rig the lottery so I'm guaranteed to win that million dollars.  All I have to do is buy the $1 ticket...and give custody of my first-born son to my contact.  Even if I believe the money is good (requirement #1) and I believe I can achieve the thing I want (requirement #2), I will never be motivated to work toward that goal if I believe the cost is not worth the effort.  Giving away my son is not worth the million dollars...on most days. 

I like to use the example of running a marathon.  Having been in the military (well, the Air Force anyway), I'm used to running, and I actually really enjoy it.  I'd like to run a marathon, I really believe it would be good for me, I believe I can do it (I've completed a half marathon before), but I'm not at all motivated to start training anytime soon.  You see, I've done enough training to know how much effort would be required in order to get in shape to run 26.2 miles...and it's more than I'm willing to commit to.  No matter how much I say I want to run a marathon, how much I believe it would be a good goal, and how much I know I could do it, I will never feel motivated to do it until I believe the outcome is worth the effort that's required.  My experience has shown this third requirement is usually where people get hung up; we're usually just not willing to do what needs to be done in order to get what we say we want.  It really is that simple.

So, for goodness sake, please stop blaming your lack of action on poor, misunderstood motivation.  It's really not his fault.  At the end of the day, if you aren't doing something you say you want to do it's because you either (1) don't believe it's actually good for you, (2) don't believe you can actually accomplish it, or (3) you're just plain not willing to pay the price to get it. 

The good news is that none of these three requirements for motivation are set in stone for any person.  Motivation is not a human trait that some people have and other people lack.  If you're unable to figure out how to check the three boxes, there's help available.  Trained professionals (personal trainers, pastors, and, yes, psychologists) are more than willing to help you figure out where the sticking points are and how to get them unstuck.  You just need to believe it would be good for you to do so, believe it can actually be done, and that it's worth it to do so and you'll never use motivation as a scapegoat again.  

Five Things a Psychologist Wishes You Knew

Recent years have seen a concerted effort to dispel the stigma that has traditionally surrounded mental health problems.  Despite increased understanding of mental health issues among people in general, most people continue to feel unsure about how best to approach the subject when the problem strikes close to home.  The following suggestions are designed for anybody concerned about someone in their life who may be suffering from a mental health problem.

1.    The majority of mental health issues are temporary and short-lived.  At the risk of negatively impacting my business bottom line, I really want to highlight this fact: For most people, in most situations, mental health problems will go away on their own (saying that makes me feel like the magician who just gave away the secret to how the trick is done!).  If you have a hard time believing that can be true, do some research on “mental health spontaneous remission rates” and you'll see what I mean.

People are resilient; they can be bent, twisted, stretched, folded, crumpled up, and thrown down…and they still find a way to soldier on.  The latest research shows people suffering from major depression (as the name suggests, that’s the serious kind) have a greater than 50% chance their symptoms will go away without treatment of any kind.  In many of those cases, however, it will take up to a year for the problem to resolve.  The good news is, treatment (medication or therapy) can drastically reduce the time it takes to experience improved mood and functioning. 

2.    Emotions are not always evidence of a problem.  As a military psychologist, I routinely faced the daunting task of explaining to senior commanders why they couldn’t and shouldn’t force their subordinates to participate in therapy.  On multiple occasions I was called on to help “fix” people who had witnessed or been involved in some truly ugly stuff; in reality, there was nothing to fix.  What do we call it when a person who witnesses something traumatic has problems sleeping, acts more irritable, and is generally more emotional than usual?  NORMAL!

As previously stated, people are generally resilient, even when they are confronted with the ugliest aspects of life.  Just because a person experiences strong emotions as a result of bad things happening does not mean he is broken or in need of professional help.  If you know someone going through a particularly difficult time, just ask yourself if their reactions are any different than you would expect any person to exhibit in the same situation.  If the reaction is normal, the person likely does not need therapy or professional assistance.  That’s not to say therapy wouldn’t be beneficial in coping with the difficulties, it’s just not an absolute necessity.

3.    People are so much more than their current problems.  This seems like a no-brainer, but you’d be surprised how many people define themselves (and others) by their temporary mental health symptoms.  One of my primary duties as a psychologist is to help people see more than the pain or anxiety that they’re feeling in the moment. Experiencing symptoms of depression does not make you a “depressed person” any more than getting a bad haircut makes you ugly.  Hair grows back and mood changes over time. Try to think of a single emotion you’ve felt that hasn’t gone away at some point…any luck?  Of course not.  How can something as variable as our feelings ever act as a defining characteristic of who we are as people?  If you experience a mental health problem, or if you know someone who does, remind yourself that these experiences are pieces of the person and not the whole thing.

4.    Mental health problems are not created equal.  A “car crash” could be anything from a little fender bender in a parking lot to a 52-car pileup on the interstate.  The same goes for “mental health problems”.  For most people, getting diagnosed with depression is like getting in that fender bender; you might be sore for a while and you might have a lot of hassles dealing with the consequences, but you’re going to be just fine.  Fifty-two car pileups (the kind that cause hospitalizations and fatalities) just don’t happen all that often.  In clinical work, we always start with the assumption that the person is going to recover quickly and fully (it’s just a little fender bender!)…until and unless there’s some evidence to suggest otherwise.  Chances are (and I’m not talking slight chances) the person you know who has some emotional problems is going to be perfectly fine, given some time and support. 

NOTE: Please don’t ever ignore or take lightly any evidence of safety concerns (e.g. talking about death or dying, giving away belongings, self-harming behaviors, etc.).  Issues such as these are always treated as serious...because they are. 


5.    It’s okay to laugh.  I take a very light-hearted approach to issues of mental health (not to be confused with taking mental health lightly) and I’ve noticed this is disconcerting to some people.  However, it’s really only been surprising to those people who haven’t experienced any mental health concerns of their own.  I’ve yet to meet a significantly depressed person who doesn’t appreciate someone making them laugh.  True, it’s often much harder to elicit laughter…but that’s why I work so hard at it.  Lighten up, people!  Mental health work is not mortuary work, and it’s okay to talk about it with some mirth.  Naturally, every person is unique and the way one interacts with an individual should be tailored to that individual, but, generally speaking, laughter is powerful medicine and acts as a reminder that life is to be enjoyed…even during the tough times.

What Were They Thinking?! Why Kids Do Dumb Things

 

Believe it or not, your kids actually have some really good excuses for all the stupid stuff they do...better than most parents even realize.  Think back to your younger years (for some of us its harder than for others) and I'm sure you can recall some experience where you did something really, really dumb, got yourself caught, and were asked the question for which no teenager has ever given a good answer: What were you thinking?! 

Did you not realize someone would be upset when you broke out all the windows on the church van down the street?  Did it not occur to you that throwing a bunch of glass bottles into the road to watch them explode might cause a police response?  Sneaking out in the middle of the night with some freakishly strange friends?  "Borrowing" a car before getting a license?  Throwing stuff on bonfires to see what would happen?  What were we thinking?!

The reality is, when you told your parents, your guidance counselor, your church leader, or the police officer the only thing you could tell them ("I don't know what I was thinking"), you were actually telling them the truth.  I can remember clearly the feeling that went along with that answer; I was frustrated with whatever adult had busted me because they couldn't seem to accept that I really didn't know what I had been thinking, and I was frustrated with myself because it seemed so clear that I really should have thought something before setting that fire (or driving that fast, or throwing that sharp metal object, or hitchhiking across Mexico)...but I really hadn't thought about the consequences at all.  Not at all.

Years later, as a graduate student, I finally discovered why that had been the case.  It won't surprise anybody reading this that human babies are not born with fully developed brains; it takes months before babies can do anything for themselves and years before they even start acting like a real person.  The development of the brain during this time holds the reason for adolescent idiocy and the key to understanding what our kids are (or are not) thinking...and that understanding can be very helpful when you're trying to control your temper and avoid that awkward visit from CPS.

As the brain continues to develop after birth, it follows a path that generally grows from the back of the head, up, and forward.  Breathing, heart rate, and swallowing are some of the basic brain functions that are present at birth, and they are centered in the brain stem (the lower back part of the brain).  As the child grows, the brain develops up and forward; improved motor control, understanding language, and being able to speak a language all develop over time (in that order) as the brain continues to develop over time. 

So, the front part of the brain is the last area of the brain to reach maximum efficiency and do the job it was designed to do.  What is that job?  Process complex information and determine cause and effect relationships (among other things).  In other words, the last part of the brain to develop is the part that helps us understand consequences.  And here's the kicker: it doesn't fully develop until the mid twenties!  You did not have a fully functioning brain until well past the point you thought you were an adult!

Here's an interesting fact: most people consider adulthood to begin at 18 years.  Why?  Because that's what the government says (for whatever reason).  But consider some private businesses that can make or lose money based upon who they trust to do business with.  I had a big surprise when I got married at 23 years old and tried to rent a car.  I had been a legal adult for years and had a driver's license even longer; imagine my frustration when I found out they wouldn't rent to me because I was too young!  I haven't researched this exhaustively, but I'm not aware of any car rental company that will rent to anyone younger than 25.  Isn't it interesting that many different companies have figured out that people younger than 25 tend to make bad decisions that end up costing them money?  Makes me question why we let 16-year-olds drive, 18-year-olds vote, and 21-year-olds drink.

So what's the what in all this?  Two important points.  One, your 6-year-old, 14-year-old, and even your 17-year-old really don't know what they were thinking when they decided to do whatever ridiculous thing they did.  You can ask if you want, but you should know up front that you will never get an answer that makes any sense.  The adolescent brain has not yet developed the ability to consistently see cause and effect; that doesn't mean they can't do it at all, it just means they won't be able to do it as regularly as an adult.  After they've done what they've done, they'll be able to see all the reasons why they shouldn't have done whatever they did (they actually are not as stupid as their actions would suggest). But thinking they should have thought about those reasons before they did it is like expecting them to sprout wings and fly.  It's just not a rational thing to expect.

The second point: boundaries are vitally important for your kids.  Just because children don't have the ability to consistently see causes and effects does not mean they should be immune from the consequences of their actions.  When I talk to parents about how the human brain develops, they often (mistakenly) believe I want them to be more lenient and permissive.  It's actually the exact opposite!  Because your kids don't yet have the ability to consistently consider possible outcomes, you, as the adult, need to lay down clear and exact boundaries for appropriate behavior.  When those boundaries are crossed, there should be consequences that match the offense.  Consequences are the way your kids will actually learn how to think like an adult and develop the ability to consider what might happen as a result of their actions.

So what's the point of learning what the adolescent brain can and can't do if you should still bring down the hammer when your kids do dumb stuff?  The point is your own sanity.  Don't make the mistake of allowing yourself to get angry and frustrated when your kids make ridiculous choices...that's what kids do!  Recognize that your child is acting like a child, your teenager is acting like a teenager, and your young adult is acting like a young adult (remember, the brain doesn't reach its full capabilities until the mid twenties!).  There's no need to worry, get angry, or try to figure out what kind of therapy they need just because they are making incredibly bad choices without thinking about the consequences.  Again, that's what kids do!  As a parent, remember the times when you did similar stupid stuff, remember how it felt to not know why you did what you did, and then allow yourself to feel badly that you have to lower the boom so they can learn important life lessons.  In the end, it's actually much more tolerable to feel pity for your kids' growing pains than it is to feel angry and frustrated at their incomprehensible behavior!

Dream Analysis Made Simple

 “Dreams are often most profound when they seem the most crazy.”
                                        -Sigmund Freud

People naturally seek to apply meaning to, well, pretty much everything.  From what I've seen, dreams may be one of the greatest sources of "meaning-seeking" in our lives.  And it makes sense, who hasn't had a dream that left them wondering, "What the heck was that?!"  The crazier the dream, the more desperately we want to find the deeper meaning to it all.  So, here’s some help for all you intrepid dream interpreters looking for some of that deeper meaning:

Dream interpretations, like the dreams themselves, are whatever you make of them.  Period. End of story. Full stop.  (I’m using those phrases for dramatic effect, please keep reading)

Between you and me, I actually use this fact (dreams only having meaning to the dreamer) to have a little fun every time I get someone on my couch looking for outside meaning in his or her dreams.  My “interpretation” (or my “analysis” if I’m really getting into it) of the individual’s dream, which I give in a very serious tone, usually involves latent desires to engage in cannibalism, suppressed memories of being tragically abandoned by an important parental figure, and disturbing “evidence” of inappropriate, lustful fetishes (how could it not have that?).  The conversation following my interpretation usually goes something like this:

Client:    (After a moment of silence) “Really? That’s what it means?”
Me:      “Yep.”
Client:    “How do you know that’s what it means?”
Me:     “Perhaps a better question would be, how do you know that isn’t what it means? Couldn’t I tell you   absolutely anything I want to?”

That’s typically the time the client realizes I have absolutely no idea what I’m talking about…and that’s the whole point.  Analysis that's based on interpretation of the subconscious is loaded with problems.  The biggest problem (and in my opinion a fatal flaw) is that nothing a professional analyst tells you can be proven or, more importantly, disproven.  There is absolutely no way to know what's happening in the subconscious because, by definition, it's outside the realm of conscious observation!  Any analysis of the subconscious can never rise above the level of "good guess".

After I’ve had my fun acting as a dream interpreter (it really is fun to see people’s reactions to hearing how depraved their unconscious self is) the client and I discuss what dreams really are.

Your brain never sleeps; it continues to process information from your five senses even when you’re passed out to the world.  The brain’s job is to make sense of the world it perceives… whatever you had on your mind when you fell asleep, combined with the sensory information that continues to come in while you’re sleeping, needs to be processed.  The brain takes all the information that comes in, processes it, and tells you what it all means; that's what it does when you're awake and that's what it does when you're asleep.  A dream, at its simplest, is nothing more than your brain trying to make sense of what’s going on...and sometimes the results are wacky.

But, you might protest, what of the people who have received important and timely guidance through their dreams?  Undoubtedly, dreams can provide needed insight or comfort when we face some difficult situation or impossible decision.  What of that?  Well, I definitely believe in a higher power that guides mankind and I see no reason that higher power couldn’t speak to us through our dreams.  But if that's really what’s happening, shouldn’t that guidance be clear to us without the need for interpretation?  I mean, if it’s meant for you, why wouldn’t you understand it on your own?  Don't get me wrong, I'm flattered that people would give me the chance to tell them "what it all means"...but I have to draw the line at posing as a prophet who’s capable of translating the will of the universe for other people.  I have a hard enough time just keeping myself moving in the right direction.

In the end, if a dream has meaning for you, that’s great because you are the only one with any interpretation that matters.  There is no book, expert, or website capable of telling you what your dreams mean if you see no meaning in it yourself.  Sometimes a dream is nothing more than some synapses firing for any one of a gazillion reasons.

Dr. Freud made a lot of wonderful contributions to the understanding of human nature…dream analysis was certainly not one of them.  If you need any additional evidence that Freud was sometimes way off-base, he also said, “Time spent with cats is never wasted.”  Clearly, he did not always think rationally.

Five Things You Need to Stop Saying… Unless You Like Being Unhappy

Photo by James Vaughan CC BY 2.0

Assuming you grew up surrounded by other people, you’ve unknowingly picked up a number of phrases and sayings that are causing all sorts of grief for you.  It's like a family of raccoons has made a nest in your attic and now they’re tearing up the insulation, chewing through wires, and generally making a mess of things.  All of this is happening right under your nose (actually, it’s happening right between your ears if we want to be functionally correct), without you even knowing it’s a problem.

Here’s a list of the 5 biggest offenders I’ve seen causing problems for people… 

1.      “I just couldn’t handle it if…”  This particular nasty phrase is unique to each person who utters it (each person has something different they “can’t handle”), but the impact is the same for everybody: you’re left feeling weak, incapable, and scared of whatever the “thing” might be.  And that’s not the worst part of it!  Far worse is that it doesn’t even make any sense!  What does it even mean that you “couldn’t handle it”?  Are you going to burst into flames if it happens?  Will you poof out of existence?  Will your reason for death be listed as “Inability to Handle It”?

The reality is that there is nothing you “can’t handle” because there’s no other option.  No matter what happens, you will wake up tomorrow and will go through the day.  Yes, the day following some tragic event will be a particularly unpleasant day (you may not even make it out of bed!)…but one thing’s for certain: you will handle it. Saying otherwise does nothing but cause unnecessary worry and anxiety.  An alternative statement could be: “I really don’t want (insert bad thing here) to happen, but if it does, I’ll deal with it the best I can.”

2.      “He/She/They think I’m…”  Unless you’ve been bitten by a radioactive spider, were born on a planet with a different colored sun, or have been exposed to some mutation-causing substance, you do not have the ability to know what other people are thinking.  You may think you know this fact already ("Of course I can't read people's minds!"), but go ahead and spend some time listening to your own thoughts: you’ll be surprised how often you truly believe you know what’s going on in the head of another person. 

The reality is that we will never know what another person is thinking or why they are doing what they are doing (i.e. their motives).  Even if they tell you what they think about you in no uncertain terms, you still can't possibly know what they think of you.  You only know what they told you they think of you.  How many times have you done something in your life without fully understanding the reasons?  If you don’t even know why you do what you do, how can you possible believe you understand other people's motivations?  An  alternative statement could be: “It seems like he/she/they think (insert something here).  Too bad I don’t have any mindreading superpowers to help me know for sure!”

3.      “I’m/She’s/He’s so (insert adjective here)”.  Let’s just lay this out up front: there is no label you can apply to any human being and have it be accurate.  People can do smart things and they can do stupid things.  People can look beautiful and they can look dreadful.  People can do good things and they can do evil things.  That being said, a person cannot be smart, beautiful, or good.  Conversely, people cannot be stupid, dreadful, or evil.  That doesn’t mean people don’t do all sorts of good and bad things, there's simply a big difference between doing and being.  Of course, some may claim that by doing good or bad things people become good or bad...if that's the case, what's the percentage that marks the difference?  Does 51% good make me a good person?  If I'm at 50.9% can I round up and be considered good?  If not, can I do just one more good thing to push me over the 51% line?  You can see the problem.

In reality, labels do not work for people because humans are so frustratingly inconsistent.  We all do good and we all do bad.  Sometimes we're smart and sometimes we're complete boneheads.  By mistakenly assigning labels to people instead of the things people do, we end up feeling unpleasant emotions toward those people; as a result, hard feelings develop, relationships are damaged, and we make ourselves more miserable than we need to be.  An  alternative statement could be:  "That sure was a stupid thing he just did...he's lucky no one is defined by just one action."

4.      “I knew this would happen" OR "This is going to be…”.  Again, if there are no radio-active spiders, alien planets, or mutations in your past, you cannot see the future.  There is no way you can ever know how anything will turn out.  You can know percentages, likelihoods, and chances, but you do not know anything about the future.

Of all the bad ways of thinking, this may be the most acceptable to the most people.  I often hear people claim that expecting a bad outcome leads to better feelings if things really do turn out badly or, if there is a surprise positive outcome, unexpected good feelings.  Unfortunately, that's just dumb.  "Oh man, my dog died...good thing I expected something bad was going to happen today otherwise I'd be really upset right now!"  Some really cool research (If the fact that I think research can be "really cool" makes you think I'm a total dork, you need to read #3 again.) actually proved that people will be upset when bad things happen and excited when good things happen without any influence from their expectations.  What does that mean?  You are going to be disappointed when bad things happen and excited when good things happen...and there's no stopping it.  All the time you spend expecting a bad outcome does nothing but let you feel the bad feelings sooner.  An  alternative statement could be: "This might be a really lousy day...only one way to find out!"

5.      “Should”.  I saved the best for last.  You use this word countless times per day in numerous situations...can you define it?  I've asked hundreds of people that question over the years and I've never once received an accurate definition.  The word "should" is defined as, "Simple past tense of shall" (dictionary.com).  "Should" is nothing more than the past tense of a word that refers to something that is expected or commanded.  Can you explain to me how something can be expected or commanded in the past?  "I should have done better!"  Well, that's good to know...but you didn't.  "You should have taken the trash out!"  Um, okay, but I didn't.  The word "should" really has no meaning...it references something that could have been, but wasn't.  When we use it, we trap ourselves in a world that never existed while we ignore the reality that, at some point, we need to deal with.

And that's just when we use the word properly!  We more often use the word to indicate what ought to happen in the future (e.g. "you should quit that job!").  Really?  "Should" is based on "shall" (which is a command) and we go around dropping it left and right as if we have the power and authority to dictate the way the universe ought to line up.  No wonder we're all so frustrated all the time, we're operating with the delusional belief that we have the ability to decree the way things ought to be...and then we have to deal with the emotional fallout when we discover (gasp!) the universe does not actually respond to our commands!  Can we all agree we would be better off deleting the word "should" from our vocabulary and instead saying what we really mean?  Try this instead of the "s" word: "I would prefer if things happen this way, but I recognize I don't always get what I want."

Congratulations, You're a Weirdo!

Photo by James Vaughan CC BY 2.0

“Is that normal?” is easily the most common question I get asked from clients and non-clients alike.  At one time or another, we've all been the one who didn't fit in and we remember how miserable that feels.  As a result, most of us go through life comparing our thoughts and behaviors to those around us because (1) we’re generally social creatures who want to fit in and (2) we’re scared we’re one crack away from a full-blown meltdown.  (As a good psychologist I should take this opportunity to explain how that tendency is actually an instinct that ensures we fit in with a larger group and increase our chances of survival...but, snore.)

Of course, this worry about whether or not we're weird makes perfect sense; none of us knows what anyone else is experiencing and there’s absolutely no way for us to know if those secret thoughts we harbor (but never share) are harmless passing fancies or the first indication of psychopathic darkness.  That’s some scary stuff to consider…and for most people there’s no good way to find out.  True, we could ask friends or other acquaintances, but what if by asking we’re actually letting people know just how scared of us they should be?  Remember the following exchange from the movie, Wayne’s World?

Garth:     Did you ever find Bugs Bunny attractive when he put on a dress and played a girl bunny?
Wayne: (Cracks up laughing) No!
Garth:  (Obviously embarrassed) Uh, neither did I.  I was just asking.

We’re all just like Garth and we’re clueless as to what’s normal and what’s freaky.  The only difference is that we usually err on the side of not asking the question…just in case.

Let me set your mind at ease.  Yes, you are normal – But maybe not the way you had hoped.

“Normal” is what psychologists deal with every day and it’s what led to the development of the career field.  Psychologists use psychological testing, which is based on statistics, to determine what most people think, feel, and experience.  If something is thought, felt, or experienced by the majority of people, then that thing is considered "normal".  If very few people think, feel, or experience something, then that thing is considered "abnormal".  There are concrete statistical terms that define explicitly at what point something transitions out of the realm of normal and into the deviant (in fact, a “standard deviation” is the actual statistical term…if you fall three standard deviations outside the norm, you are, by definition, “deviant”).  So, science has provided us a beautiful way to know for certain where we fall in relation to our friends and family.

Of course, nothing in the world of psychology is ever that simple...

Throughout my career I've administered countless IQ tests.  Most of these tests are designed so that the average (or normal) IQ is 100, with the total score being made up of several sub-scores.  Some sub-scores focus on knowledge and learning abilities while others look at how quickly and accurately a person can process information (among other things).  So, even if I had two people who both scored a completely "average" score of 100, each one would have different sub-scores that made up that IQ.  Perhaps the first scored an above-average 110 on verbal abilities but was a low-average 90 on performance abilities, while the second was the mirror opposite (90 verbal and 110 performance).  Each would have an average IQ, but neither would look anything like the other as far as intellectual abilities are concerned.  You can see how the word "average" can be frustratingly deceptive in meaning.

In many ways, "average" and "normal" are interchangeable words.  Our level of normalness, like our IQ, is made up of countless parts; there are a limitless number of personality traits, thoughts, or interests by which we could be compared to others.  Pick any one particular item and you may, or may not, be like the majority of other people.  That single thing, in and of itself, is not the determining factor of how normal we are.  Rather, the sum of all those countless parts is the only rational way we could possibly determine how normal we are.

With that in mind, the original question ("Is that normal?") takes on a whole new meaning.  Is it normal for Garth to find Bugs Bunny attractive?  I feel comfortable in assuming it's not.  Is it normal that I have always wanted to see what I would look like as a Muppet?  Again, it's probably safe to assume I'm in the minority on that one.  Does that make Garth and me freaky-deaky weirdos?  On those specific points, yes.  But what about when we take our entire selves and compare them to everybody else.  I've yet to meet a person who doesn't have a number of weird skeletons in the closet...that being the case, if I didn't have my curious fascination with Muppets, and if Garth wasn't fond of cartoon bunnies, we'd clearly be abnormal in our lack of having some weirdness. 

In short, you can relax, you're normal...precisely because you're such a weirdo in so many ways.